Seriously, there’s no better feeling than knowing that your upcoming post will match exactly what you’re feeling atm and actually reflects what has been bothering you for ages without even knowing what it is exactly. That’s why it’s important for me to keep understanding people around me, even if I don’t get myself at this very moment. And the cherry on top is, that these people that I have around me right now are some badass creative heads. This is the result of the moment, when it all kinda made sense all of a sudden.

So what is this all about? I needed some time to figure out how to put all this into words. For a long time I had this really uneasy feeling without even knowing what it was. I just knew that I wasn’t  comfortable with my current situation. It wasn’t only because of things that I knew I wanted to change. It was more that there was a bigger problem to all this. The biggest problem I ever had in my life: Not knowing what the problem is. Does this even make sense at all? I didn’t know what else to change, didn’t know what else to give up and to which part of my life I had to start to bring a little more pressure or even where to drop a gear. I am a fan of having plans for all kind of things. But in my past twenty-three years I also learned my lessons. My plans were always going to another direction or even gone totally wrong.

Even if it wasn’t planned at all, these photos pretty much are the best explanation to describe what weighs heavily on my mind right now or let’s say for the longest time without even realizing. There are two things that should be popping out in these pictures. On the one side we have the colorful background with all these cute balloons that show the fun side of life. The balloons should be my backup, they represent my dreams, goals in life and all I ever wanted to achieve. ‘Cause where to hold on to if not your own dreams, right? But going deeper in it there is a major problem. If you think about it, balloons are beautiful to look at, and mostly fun to play with. But if they’re blown-up with too much air, it’s a big risk even trying to touch them. The tiniest contact can make ’em pop.  So these balloons literally visualize my dreams. Dreams that I know that will take some risks. Dreams that are maybe filled with too much air. Too much wishful thinking. Aimed too high. This dreams will not have me on the safe side. But is that what life’s all about? Do we really have to play it safe all the time? One side of me wants and really needs this security of being safe (financially). So I have this job that puts me through life, that I don’t even wanna complain about because I have the best co-workers of all time, maybe not the best working hours, but a job that actually could safeguard my future. And when I started studying, I really didn’t think that I would be in this line of business for such a long time. I also didn’t think that my studies would take that long. There is this one dream that I want and need to achieve. Amusingly, I can tell, that I will not pursue this dream by wearing all-black-outfits every day. Yes, this all-black-outfit is also a metaphor for my playing-it-safe-situation.
This situation will drag me through a life of everyday-complaining. And if I don’t take action at this age, what if I suddenly want to follow that dream at the age of 40? Don’t tell me it’s never too late, because it will be at some point. How happy can one be by not chasing ones dream? Is it really the ‘better safe BUT sorry’ life that we all wanna go through? Is it even allowed to dream in a world where a lack of job offers should be one of our bigger fears? Nope.

I decided not to live this life anymore. I decided to focus on the things that really matter for me. I am taking the risk. But this is easier said than done. So I made the choice of surrounding myself with people that can push me to pursue this happiness in life. I’m not saying that I’m completely  unhappy with what I am doing right now. I only know that I am not completely happy with how my life is going at the very moment. I see myself lucky by coming this far but I am not completely satisfied. And who else can lead you better to achieve your goals by no other than you, right?

Still, I know that I am not ready to jump in at the deep end, so for me it’s a step by step procedure. For me it’s all about chasing the forgotten dreams, facing my fears and max out my limits for this year. And it all starts today. It starts by realizing and specifying the problem. And as it is, it all started with a good conversation with one of my mains who also set up this whole backdrop for this shoot. So at this point thank you for this 🙂

So I’ll shut up with this whole deep-talk… but hey. Have you noticed my shoeeees? <3

wearing// quilted bomber jacket SHEINSIDE dress VINTAGE rock stud leather kitten-heel pumps

photos by: Marc Mamaril
creative directed by: Kay-Lance Mendoza 



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