BIG WHITE ROOM
Every time I see the white rooms of Sofitel Vienna Stephansdom, I see beautifully designed minimalistic rooms and a bloggers dream location when it comes to taking pictures. Perfect lightening and perfect for the feed. So what I feel when I’m staying in this room are good vibes and happiness. And then I always think of the song ‘Big White Room’ by Jessie J. Some of you may know that music is my life. Music keeps me inspired. And I can really bluster into some songs that lead me to listening to others songs. And then I already find myself in the loop of overthinking and reading all the lyrics which leads to the point where I start questioning some things in life. Or at least trying to find some answers.
Growing up in a very religious family I do believe in the power of god as well as I do believe in destiny. But what I’ve learned for myself within the last years, is not to depend on these things only. I believe in the power of competence and hard work. I’ve learned that depending on higher powers such as god and destiny keep pushing me to keep trying but don’t do the job for me. I keep saying to myself to be realistic and I try to focus. I’ve always cared about my career and that hasn’t changed for years now. Now, all these questions that are popping into my mind about destiny, all and sundry, are leading into deeper thoughts and I find myself being assailed by doubts out of a sudden. All at once there is this inner unrest in me that hasn’t been there before. A few months ago my mother and I had a little bit of serious talk going on and I’ve been deriding it at that time, because she was actually worrying about me ending up all alone. I never cared and I was never looking for anything like a relationship. And I’m still not longing or looking for it at the age of 24. Is this really such a bad thing in modern times like these?
Within the past few weeks I’ve seen two of my best girl friends being all settled. Moving in with their boyfriends being with them for many years. I feel happy for them, but not feeling sorry for myself. Me and my friends have reached the stage of life, where we are all being invited to more weddings and baptisms, or children’s birthday parties than fancy events and escalating parties. Well. I’m at that age where I don’t need to go out every weekend. But it feels like I didn’t reach the stage, that the people around me did, yet. People keep asking me why I set up this defensive wall. And here I am looking at these photos that were taken at this beautiful location, and out of a sudden I see the lonely girl in a big white room instead of keeping this good vibes and happiness that I felt a few days ago. I see the lonely girl that other people see. But I feel like it would only seem that I am the lonely girl – which I’m really not. I can assure that I’m not gonna die alone as long as I have all these people that care about me. The ones that keep asking me these questions. But I will not be able to give you the answer you want to hear. The only explanation that I have is that I don’t want to lose my focus. I don’t wanna lose myself. And I am not ready to give things up or let someone throw me off the track. Not until I reached what I am and was working for so hard. So let me be the to all appearance lonely girl in the big white room enjoying my enthusiasm for perfect shooting locations and matched outfits for a while. For a little change this outfit is more on the colorful side and represents the happiness and satisfaction that others can’t see while I am in this minimalistic white beautiful room. This room is like my life. It has all the necessary things that I need, while others are looking for other things and do have other needs in life.